FORMER CARPET FARMER
Somebody straight up called me a carpet farmer the other day and I just did NOT get it. What’s a carpet farmer?
I immediately figured he meant to call my ass a carpet muncher, but calling me a carpet-munching lesbian made no kind of sense. It was definitely drug related, because the phrase was used in the context of my using and abusing. I was confused.
Then he spelled it out for me. A carpet farmer is somebody who combs their carpet for leftover specks of cocaine, crack or crystal meth that may’ve sprinkled to the floor in previous drug binges. I was like, “Oh yeah, I’ve done that.” Then it hit me. HEY!!! How very DARE he call me a carpet farmer?
I used to tell people in shady situations that if they were licking the mirror it was time to quit. That was back in the dayz when I was deep in the life, the drugs were fun and I could take the shit or leave it. Then fast forward to me desperately moving furniture and tapping the carpet with a lint roller to try and collect enough specks of shit so I could get a decent hit. I was beyond licking the mirror; nobody told me I would be licking the carpet. It was the beginning of the end.
I’m amazed that they have a name for that sort of thing. It turns out carpet farming is so common, that you’ll find it printed on t-shirts (like the one I’m modeling below, which I plan to return after taking a picture). It wasn’t something that I saw anyone do, or something I even talked about, but clearly I wasn’t the only one with a carpet farm in this town. My story is supposed to be special and unique, but it turns out, we’re all in the same boat doing the same stupid shit. It’s the exact opposite of anything remotely cute.
Needless to say, the whole thing made me more than a little resentful. That would be Mr. Former Carper Farmer thankyouverymuch. That magic carpet ride has been hung to dry for over three years.