TOILET TRAINING FOR TARDS

I don't know about you, but it seems like every time I take a leak at a public urinal I find myself pissing on a wad of chewed up gum that's stuck to the very bottom of the basin. There's always some douche hole who thinks the pisser is a perfect place to spit out his flavorless chunk of chew. Ever notice how that junk will not budge no matter how well you aim, or how many times you flush? I can't help but think about the poor toilet attendant who has to reach into that urinal to remove a piece of some asshole's stiff piece of gum. Do women blow bubbles while they pee? Do they spit it between their parted legs after they're bored chewing? I doubt it. This is definitely a guy thing. I guess boys will be boys and men will be p.i.g., PIGS!!!

At the risk of sounding like little Miss Priss, there's a lot to be said and little to be desired about a man's poor public toilet etiquette in the absence of women"”gay and straight men alike. I'm sure ladies have their share of horror stories, but nothing prepares me for the scents, sights and sounds that I'm forced to encounter when I want to relieve myself of some body water inside a public facility.

For example: There are the guys who don't know how to flush it down when it's brown! Their insides unleash something dark, fluffy and vile and what do these guys do? They seem to get some sick kick out of sharing their black magic moment with the rest of us. Cut to a poor unsuspecting sap stepping in to take a simple wiz and he has to behold the unholy. Of course, that sap just mixes it around with his own urine and doesn't bother to flush either, so in comes the next innocent bystander, and the vicious cycle continues until the poor unfortunate toilet attendant steps in to simply pull a lever. I say hallelujah for motion censor flushers.

Then there are the guys who don't know how to wipe. By that I mean that they wipe and then toss the streaked tissue to the side like it ain't shit. Primetime strikes at my local gym and the traffic inside those toilet stalls produce big clumps of dirty toilet paper, mixed with used paper seat covers that become crumpled piles of filth on the floor. Why toss to the side when the bowl is right below? These guys deserved to be beat on their lower backs with a wet plunger.

All that nastiness aside, it really pisses me off when dudes don't bother to lift the toilet seat while they're going number one, as if they've never ever had to go number two in a public joint. It would be fine if they didn't sprinkle all over the place, however most guys don't even bother to aim. Heaven forbid nature's call forces you to squat. You pile on those layers of paper around the rim and try not to think about sitting on someone else's piss. How hard is it to kick the seat up before you potty? What kind of toilet training did you get at home?

I just don't get it. I don't get nasty guys who don't wash their hands after using the toilet. I don't get guys who walk inside a pissing spot completely barefooted as if the crust on their feet were impenetrable. I don't get guys who forget to lock their stall and then get mad when you barge right in. I don't get cruisy gay guys who go one, two, and then tap on your shoe. I don't get the guys who leave behind a film of beard particles after shaving in a public sink. I don't get guys who talk on the phone, while they huff and puff inside a stall. I don't get the naked fat old man I saw the other day who had hair growing out of every part of his body, yet his crotch area was neatly trimmed and perfectly plucked. I think there is a lack of awareness and a sense of separation that makes people feel like all bets are off when it comes to public toilette etiquette. The Butterfly Effect affects us all, but I reckon some guys straight up to the head up don't give a high flying fuck.

Now I'm not sayin' that my shit don't stink. This why I make a fist and I try to hold it until I can be as loud and nasty as I wanna be"¦in the privacy of my own home.