Mario Lopez recently struck a famous Burt Reynolds pose on a bear skin rug for People magazine with the sensational headline that reads: Mario Bares All … which is a bold faced lie. “All” means the whole amount, quantity or extent. Mario only bared some and completely tweaked most in this poor imitation of a modern man. How naked is naked if all your imperfections have been air brushed and lit and bloated and puckered and blurred to perfection? It’s not very naked if you ask me.
Comparisons are inevitable. I find the classic photo of a hairy Burt put next to the image of waxed and perfectly plucked Mario L. very interesting. One image gives you a sex symbol–a grown man representing timeless masculinity; the other image gives you a perfectly timed picture of an ageless man-boy. One would be considered fat by today’s standard; however, the other has been castrated on the Photoshop table, removing all traces of pubes, lines or folds in the groin area that would suggest he has any male parts whatsoever.
One looks like he’s from Planet of the Apes; the other looks like a Latin Ken doll living in a Barbie world. One guy has traces of a faded tan line. The other guy has traces of an evenly sprayed tan. One chomps on a cigarette with a smile that suggests he’s making fun of himself; the other guy looks like he’s giggling with a big smile to highlight his cute dimple. One guy resting his face on his hand; the other guy safely places his hand on the back of his head to avoid any creases on his perfectly preserved (and dare I say, botoxed) face. One guy has real proportions for someone standing at 5’11″, while the other is 5’10″ but his torso has been stretched to look like he stands … or lays at over 6′. One guy looks like he smells of Old Spice with a hint sweat; the other guy looks like he’s giving you a hint of baby powder. Ugh, and don’t get me started on the plucked eyebrows. I bet one guy is laying on the remains of a real bear, while the other guy is probably resting on a plastic head and polyester fur.
Simply put, one guy looks real. And the other guy looks fake.
Then again … this is the year 2013, not 1972 (which is a year before Mario was born). Real is sooo damn overrated.
Congratulations Mario Lopez! You look GRRRREAT!!!