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December 27, 2017


Jonah Falcon

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His name is Jonah Cardeli Falcon from New York.  I’m not sure if this is his stage name, since he claims to be an American actor and talk-show host (I couldn’t find him on IMDB), but his last name is kind of funny considering Falcon entertainment or Falcon Studios is the largest distributor for gay porn.  Coincidence?  Who knows?  There isn’t a soundbite claiming that he’s ever done the dirty deed for wide distribution, but he claims to be bisexual and he obviously let it hang out for a lens or two in one form or other–otherwise, how would we know that he’s packin’ a canon?

Falcon’s claim to fame is 9.5 inches flaccid and 13.5 inches erect. Not sure about the girth.

I’m sorry, but Big dick or not, the guy looks like Jonah Hill pre-Oscar nomination when Jonah Hill looked like a bloated toad,  but Falcon’s lack in the looks department are not the source of his troubles—“When I meet people they find it hard to look me in the eye,” He laments. “They just see what’s in my trousers.  It’s become a real problem.”

I’m thinking he should lay off of the spandex hot pants and learn how to tuck that lump of sausage and onions between his legs.  I hear bowlegged guys are kinda/sorta sexy…if you’re into that sort of thing.

Falcon is single and has been for a very long time.  He lives at home with his mom, but he blames being lonely, dateless and sexless to the heavy cross and curse that dangles between his legs.




I remember there was a guy that used to workout at 24-Hour Fitness way back when it was The Sports Connection—and by “workout” I mean that he used to shower at that gym.  He was employed by the Post Office, so everyday on his lunch break, he walked in wearing his postman uniform and went straight to the locker room.  This man had a similar problem.  He looked like Heavy-D (R.I.P.) with a boy part that was the size of a football.  He walked around the wet areas at that gay gym looking uncomfortable whenever queens gasped and stared at his genitalia.  But that never stopped him from hitting the wet areas completely naked with his pigskin bouncing in front of him (Ugh!  So gross.  I seriously wanna hork right now) —he claimed to be straight.  But I don’t know.

People can be so bold around people who are different.  One of the gym members actually asked him what the deal was with his big business.  The man explained that he was born that way; it was hereditary.  His father was built the same way and like Mr. Falcon, his piece of meat was so big it was impossible for him to get laid.  Somebody at the gym diagnosed him as having elephantitis.  So naturally he became known as The Elephant Man.  Others claimed it was all part of silicon injections (guys do that you know…they inject their sacs with silicon, so they could walk around with these massive goat nuts—GACK!!! So gross).

Biggie Smalls claimed “mo’ money, mo’ problems,”  but I reckon the same goes for mo’ meat.

I guess everybody’s got problems.

The end.






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About Paulo Murillo,

Paulo has been writing for the gay media for over 16 years. He made his debut as a columnist for FAB! Newspaper. He has written for LA Health News, IN Los Angeles, Frontiers and The Fight Magazine. He has been featured in The Bay Area Reporter, XY Magazine, Bay Windows, Windy Times, and Press Pass Q, He has been quoted in the pages of Edge Magazine, Gay & Lesbian Times, Seattle Gay News, Fuges, and in a shitload of online news outlets and blogs, thanks in large part to Rex Wocker’s Quote on Quote – Wockner Wire.

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