I woke up to endless using dreams this morning–meaning I dreamt that I was high as high could be and the party in my dreams was not pretty. I hardly ever have using dreams, and when I do, I’m never high in my dream state. I don’t actually go through the motions of euphoria and such. In my dreams it’s always before or after the fact. I usually find myself crashing from a mean run; I’ll be in the car looking up at my boyfriend’s sweet face and going, “Hah! Look at him…he doesn’t suspect a thing.”
My using dreams usually consist of me with some shit stuffed in my pocket, and I’m debating on whether to be, or not to be high. I’m usually in possession while in some fucked-up place like a 12-step meeting. Or I dream that I have a baggy buried in the palm of my hand, but I can’t find a place to get the party started and every time I find a dark corner, I find myself being cornered by one of my fellow AAyers. One time I dreamt that I was holding a glass pipe–it was more of a bong than a crystal pipe, which is strange, cuz I wasn’t really into smoking out, but there I was with this giant steaming thing in my hands and I have nowhere to stash it because the room I am in is bright white and bare. Of course, I can hear my fellow AAs approaching, so I’m like holding this drug paraphernalia and saying something like, “Wait, I can explain…this isn’t mine.”
I had a dream that my sister Nancy caught me in the act of jamming a straw into my head and she started screaming at me going, “What the hell are you doing? What are you thinking? What about your family?”—that dream fucked me upside the head, cuz I forget sometimes that my family worries for me and is rooting that I stay clean and sober.
Last night/this morning I found myself going through the motions of getting high and all that it entails from the mirror to the credit card to the crisp dollar bill. Some people call it a free-be, but it wasn’t much of a free-fer for me because even though in this dream I got high, I didn’t actually feel high.
Of course, I woke up in a panic. I was filled with shame and disappointment. I felt like a fraud and experienced instant regret—very similar to the regret you feel after being high for three days and three nights and then you bust that nut and you want to slit your own throat, because you feel so damn depressed.
Then I relaxed realizing it was all just a dream. My sobriety is still intact.
I decided to look up dream interpretations to see what the “dream experts’ had to say about using dreams. The results were disappointing.
To dream that you are in possession of or taking drugs, signifies your need for a “quick fix” or an escape from reality. You may be turning to a potentially harmful alternative as an instant escape from your problems. Ask yourself why you need the drugs. What do you hope the drugs will achieve for you?
To dream that you or someone overdoses, suggests that you do not know your limits. You may be pushing yourself too hard. Alternatively, the dream means that you are on a self-destructive path and need to make some significant changes.
To dream that you are dealing or selling drugs, represents changes.
To dream that you have been drugged indicates that you are refusing to take responsibility for your actions.
To dream that you are taking speed indicates that you are putting yourself in a dangerous situation, particularly if you do not use speed in your waking life. The dream may be a pun on “speediness”. Perhaps you need to move more quickly.
Escape reality? Me!!!??? DUH!!!
I said it before and I can’t stress it enough. The more distance I put between me and that last drink or bump of shit (meth is exactly that…SHIT), the more the obsession is lifted. Craving that shit is the very worst; it’s what keeps you coming back. But stay clean and sober long enough and I promise you; those cravings do go away.
The shit is creepy, sneaky, tricky, cunning, baffling and powerful. It may pop up in your dreams on occasions. But just remember…it is only a dream.
Keep coming back. Just for today. One day at a time.