Attention ladies and lady boys: When you get all pissed off at that certain someone special–be it your lover, friend or whatever, do not–I repeat–DO NOT slam his/her car door to make that dramatic exit.
I witnessed that the other night. I was walking home when I heard the tail end of a lover’s quarrel. A woman’s voice yelled, “You fucking asshole!” And then came the traditional SLAM of the car door, which never sounds like it’s being slammed hard enough. The fuming woman almost bulldozed me into a bush when she huffed and puffed past me. I looked back at the SUV double-parked on West Knoll Drive and saw the silhouette of a man…could’ve been a woman (this was in the heart of West Hollywood lets-be-for-real-here) just shaking his/her head with frustration.
I wanted to catch up to that angry woman, tap her on the shoulder and be like, “Girl…gurl…avoid the cliché. DO NOT SLAM THAT CAR DOOR…!”
I know it feels good to take out all your frustration on the offender’s property and it’s kind of fun to play out that traditional dramatic scene that you see in movies and on TV numerous times, but DO NOT SLAM THAT CAR DOOR!!! You look dumb. It’s like punching a hole in a wall. You get a busted fist and a busted wall. And who’s the one hurting the morning after?
I say leave that car door wide open.
Trust me. Leaving your guy sitting there with his car door in the open position on the open street will piss him off to no end. First, he’ll NEVER see that shit coming. Second, he’ll have to undo his seat belt and lean over to reach for the door handle. And third, who’s the one left slamming doors THEN!? His OWN door at that!
I’m much too grown to get into the sort of fights that would garner the slamming of a car door. The last time I went through those motions, I was new in sobriety. I was pissed off at some guy who (I decided) was fucking with my head. We got into a quasi lover’s quarrel even though we were never lovers. I slammed his car door as hard as I could. I started to puff away, when I remembered my carnal rule. I quickly walked back, I opened his car door as far as it would go and told him, “Oh yeah, I forgot. I don’t slam car doors.” And I left him sitting there with door wide open—“You fucking asshole!” He yelled after me.
We eventually became friends again after one year of no contact. This poor guy wanted all the perks of dating me without actually dating me. Instead he dated some psycho bitch who eventually slashed one of his tires.
“He only slashed one of your tires?” I asked him.
“Amateur!” I added plainly. “I would have slashed two tires. Made sure you knew this was no accident.”
But that’s an entirely different blog for a different day.
What did we learn today ladies and lady boys.
Do NOT slam that car door.