SCREW THE NEIGHBORS

I try so damn hard to be a good guy, but humiliating human hunger has my ass on the hunt inside this lil’ I-Phone App that most hookers quickly recognize as Grindr. For those of you not in the know, the Grind gives sleazy men some easy access to a list of local guys around the neighborhood. I think it uses some sort of GPS system, which lists a meaty menu that starts with the guy from the closest proximity to the farthest. Online gay sex: yup, there’s an App for that.

I’m clean and sober and I’m newly single, so I’m pretty much fucked. I’ve been out of practice for close to two years, which means I’ve got no kind of game whatsoever. I seriously don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. My ass was royally BURNED by the most recent relationship I was in, so the last thing I want is a boyfriend. But what does a guy have to do for a little NSA (no strings attached) in-out, in-out action in this day and age?

Bars are boring on account of I don’t drink—not that it matters much, considering guys don’t really meet other guys at bars like they did back in my kerazy dayz of yesteryear. The Internet has everyone behaving so damn reserved in the real world. Now all you need is polished profile pic, a quick quirky quote, and a shitload of time to kill to get your nasty business on the go. You no longer need to do a drive-by around the gayborhood chasing tail, and you can forget about doing a ho-stroll. You used to be able to get your dick sucked anytime of the day in West Hollywood way back when. NOW if you whip out your dick in the middle of the street, guys look at you like you’re crazy—or so I imagine (clearing throat). I’m not saying I want to, or could ever go back being a crazy whore in heat…but the shit ain’t what it used to be. That’s alls I’m sayin’

So my ass is on the Grind, cuz I do NOT want a boyfriend, bathhouses are out of the question, and online hookups take me back to being high and having regrettable sex. Grindr is a little more…I don’t know…”neighborly.” Some pretty HOT guys live in my area, while other guys take some pretty HOT pictures—trust me, I see ‘em on the street; what you see ain’t what you’re gettin’. REFRESH!

I uploaded a shirtless douche profile pic of myself to show off some goods, because I figured that’s what all the kids are doing these dayz. And the result was nil. The douche didn’t pull. Hiding your face behind a headless torso shot does not come off as too attractive, I reckon. It’s like, what are you hiding? So I decided to go balls out and post my actual mug. That’s when the Grindr beeps started comin’. The chat messages are either a pussyfied “Hi”, or they’re way too dirty for my fragile sexually anorexic state.

Him: Hi

Me: Hello.

Him: Dude, you’re only 1 mile away from my heart.

Me: “Blush” [see, no kind of game].

Him: How big is your cock? Come over and fuck me. I’m close to you.

Me: Dude, my heart is fucking HUGE!!!

Him: [detecting sarcasm, followed by silence and then the offline message]

I swear the only way to some people’s heart is through their hole. Disgusting display!

I get that it’s Grindr, and not Friendster. Guys are here for sex. I’m open to a hot hookup, but I just don’t know how I feel about screwing my neighbors. You tap ass until you tap out and then what? I already have a long history of…shall we say, “frisky” behavior around the streets of Weho. There’s nothing worse than seeing a guy that you kinda/sorta recognize from the wreckage of your past, but not really, cuz they’re wearing clothes—“Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere…?” EMBARRASSING!

There is something thrilling and validating…and addictive about tapping on this naughty App and hearing the beep-beep-beep-beep, announcing that you have chat requests. But for the most part, the Grind is not that different from any other social network, be it bars or online. The guys I don’t want hit me up, and the guys I DO want are a hit and miss (more like a miss). There is one dude that lives down my street, who has my attention, but mostly because he forms complete sentences when he chats and he insists that he loves to cuddle (I’m told I give excellent cuddle). Oh yeah, and he’s a cop, which pretty much seals the deal. I haven’t met him yet, but my plan is to get him off the Grind and fix him. I can change him and make him a better person (you think I’m kiddin’).

I say fuck it. It’s summer, I am single and the door is WIDE open for all kinds of experiences and possibilities to make all forms of human contacts. You just never know where human hunger may lead. I just have to be careful, cuz it’s so damn easy for a good guy to go bad.

“WHO WANTS TO FUCK!!!???”

Luv,

Me