I downloaded the gay insta-hookup app Gridr into my phone to enter their Madonna #LivingForLove Sweepstakes, which promised five lucky fans a chance to win a chat with M on Grindr and also receive an autographed copy of M’s latest album Rebel Heart.
The contest rules were simple enough. All I had to do was recreate Madonna’s album artwork for “Rebel Heart” with me as the star, and post it as my Grindr profile picture, along with the hashtag #LivingForLove before the end of Valentines Day.
It’s not easy putting yourself out there as a Madonna gay, especially in a gay app where guys pretend to be straight, but I’m partnered, and way too many bitches know who I am for me to get any ideas that Grindr could ever get me hooked up in the extramarital way.
Now I don’t know about you bitches, but I think I did a pretty good job with my #LivingForLove photo. If the winning submission was based on merit, I thought I had a good chance, on account of I wrapped the cord around my torso and I tattooed my tit in true Rebel Heart fashion—it turns out the winner will be selected at random (air quotes) and “shall be determined by the Sponsor at their sole discretion.”
This is what I was up against, as far as my phone could reach:
I thought my chances were good, but alas…my efforts to get noticed did not pay off. Instead of getting an email announcing that I was victorious, my ass received a pop-up message stating that my #LivingForLove photo was out of line with Grindr standards and the photo was (poof) deleted.
I was like, WHAT!!!??? Too hot for Grindr? You have GOT to be shitting me?
Grindr Guidelines Are as Follows:
I scanned my Rebel Heart photo for any rules I may have broken. I’m shirtless. Does that imply nudity? My hands appear to be bound behind my back. Am I kinda/sorta playing on kinky bondage sex? Are the cords considered a sex toy? Why ask users to recreate an image where cords are binding Madonna’s face? The whole thing made no kind of sense.
I was beyond PISSED! I contacted them immediately.
I braced myself for a number of possibilities and prepared to call foul at the hands of censorship.
However…I should have known a hater was behind my deletion. It turns out some bitter queen got all gels over my super kewt Grindr profile pic, so he reported my photo to have it removed and sabotage any small chance I had of winning a chat with Madonna.
Trip out on this shiiiieettt:
A hateful bitch straight up LIED and said I was using his photo and impersonating him to bump me out of the picture (literally).
I think what he did is evil, dirty, shady and yet–I must admit–brilliant (clever girl).
A hater’s job is to hate. If you know my history, then you know that I’m quite familiar with haters hating on me. I forget they’re still out there, but I still say, well played you hateful bitch. How gleeful this queen must’ve been when he saw my Rebel Heart photo fade to a dark Grinr default screen.
I can’t be mad at a hater for hating, for that is what haters do; they hate—HOWEVER, it REALLY burned my ass UP that Grindr representative Claudio was asking me to jump through hoops to prove that I’m the guy in the profile photo. Wait, you want me to email you a copy of my fucking passport? Are you kidding me?
I sent them a photo of me holding a piece a paper with my email address to humor them. I asked point blank: What are the Grindr guidelines/rules/regulations when a user makes a false accusation that he is being impersonated? Grindr hacked my photo off its database with no questions asked, yet I have to prove I’m me? I have to risk having my ID information stolen by some guy named Claudio who probably lives in the Philippines, or somewhere in India? All that, so I can continue using the Grindr app? Oh…BUT NO!!!
I reckon, if you say “hi” to a guy and the guy doesn’t say “hi” back, you can report him for impersonating you and have him banned–no questions asked.
I’m still waiting for an answer bytheway. It’s been almost a week.
Then there’s the actual Grindr user experience.
I’m partnered. Admittedly, I have no business being in a hookup site for single people (Madonna made me do it). But let me tell you, little has changed since the last time I downloaded Grindr back when I was single over four years ago. I found it a complete waste of time then and I can’t say it generates a feeling of time well spent today. You still encounter lines of headless, shirtless torsos that heatedly demand to see your face while they conveniently hide under a veil of cropped anonymity. You have all these bossy bottoms with all these stupid rules and demands–telling other users how they must conduct themselves around their headless profile pictures—“Send me this. Don’t say that. Must have this. Or you will get blocked.”
And oh how these bitches love the power of the block button. I’m sorry, but they’re basically saying, “Somebody hurt my feelings when they blocked me, so I will not hesitate to distribute the same kind of hurt if you are not what I want, do what I want, or say what I want.”
UGH! Don’t even get me started with the boring bi/straight homobros on the DL who grasp at this dim perception of masculinity, which is nothing more than a caricature of a straight bona fide douche hole (homobro: a gay dude who hangs on the word “bro” to establish his masculinity in the Grindr pecking order). I just—I can’t with these internalized homophobes.
Then there’s the Grindr/Extra App itself…
Exactly what do I get for the $11.99 I paid for one month?
The App freezes and it crashes constantly. And the filters never work. I deliberately say no to anyone under 35 to let these younger fuckers know that the age-discriminating sword cuts both ways, yet I’m continually hit on by 22-year olds…who constantly ask for me for “more photos.”
The whole thing has been a joyless experience. It would have been nice to win a chat with Madonna, but I have my doubts about the fairness of the Sweepstakes. I doubt Claudio will ever respond to my questions. My photo could have been removed for a number of reasons, none of which really matter much to me as I reach the end of this blog.
I mean, seriously, in the big scheme of things, who gives a shit? It’s not real life. It’s only Grindr.
Below is an article I wrote about my fascination with that diva kid (or is it kid diva?) Brendan Jordan, which was published in The Final Fight section of The Fight Magazine last month.
I wasn’t going to, but I decided to share.
BY PAULO MURILLO
Brendan Jordan is that 15-year old diva kid from Las Vegas who shot out of a bedazzled rock and into viral super-duper stardom after he photo bombed a newscaster at a mall. He stood out of a crowd of screaming little girls with impromptu dance moves and various poses that reminded me of Madonna’s Vogue video, but it turns out he was actually channeling Lady Gaga’s “Applause” video (moving along).
A lot has happened since he first introduced us to his stank face last October. The video has had well over 3 million views, he’s nearing 300,000 followers on Instagram, he was a guest on the Queen Latifah Show, and he must’ve peed in his fishnet stockings when the one and only Mother Monster sent him a shout out via Twitter, which catapulted his Twitter followers to 40K.
Jordan ended 2014 with an American Apparel ad campaign after he expressed his undying love for the brand in his youtube video channel, where he uses his video blogs as a platform to raise awareness for LGBT issues and empower LGBT youth not to smoke, not to do drugs, and to love themselves. He uses the word “like,” like a lot in his videos. He talks about fashion, reads fan mail and he really is a ton of queeny fun.
The American Apparel ads feature Jordan looking pretty in pink, wearing tights and there’s even a cute shot of him in a see-through skirt, because he’s not one to conform to boy’s clothes. Again, his poses in the photos smack of Madonna circa 1980s, but in all fairness, the kid hadn’t been born yet, so Lady Gaga can have this one.
They don’t make 15-year-olds like they used to when I was growing up. Jordan looks prepubescent. I thought he was 12. Most would peg this androgynous ginger kid at a disadvantage from a superficial viewpoint, with his big metal braces, fiery freckles, and hints of baby fat, yet he appears to be so comfortable in his own skin, he channels so much positive energy, inner fierceness, and has such a sense of humor about himself, that you can’t help but fall in love with him and root for him, despite his devotion for Gaga (kidding).
He’s honestly the kind of kid I would have naturally gravitated towards when I was little, but I was never allowed playing with, because his gayness was so obvious and my gayness was always under suspicion.
Jordan joins the ranks of modern day gaylebrities who are famous for being famous. What makes his story inspiring to me is the cast of characters in the background who support him for being his big gay fabulous self. Jordan is half Peruvian (I’m not sure what makes up his other half) and according to his video blog, his parents have been very supportive of his gayness. They took him out for sushi and encouraged him to come out of the closet. His father said he was excited for him after Jordan revealed he had feelings for other boys. Dad being Hispanic and pro-gay is a welcoming shift in the winds between fathers and gay sons. I wonder if that video would have ever happened if Jordan had to hide being gay from his folks. Of course, be yourself, doesn’t mean be like Lady Gaga, but what would our childhoods look like if we have been encouraged to be our true authentic selves?
Like Jordan, I was in the nightly news once. My mother caught a glimpse of me standing in line outside the Cinerama Dome in Hollywood to watch Madonna star as Evita back in 1995. Mom was not amused, and I was just standing there with a bunch of men who may or may not have been gay. She would have stuffed me in a bag and thrown me into the LA River had I started voguing and throwing stank faces at the camera, but those were different times and she’s become more accepting in these modern days.
I wonder what gay kids think of Jordan. I wonder if they see him as a beacon of hope, or if they recoil with embarrassment. Does he give gay youth a false sense of security? Are gay kids today really this open about their gayness, or is Jordan a special case? Jordan speaks of how he like, likes boys, but I wonder what his life will look like after he truly discovers his homosexuality in all its homo sex glory? Pink see-through skirts are cute and all–they make a cool fuck-you statement, but I’m forced to wonder, do they get you laid?
Whatever the future holds for Brendan Jordan, 2014 was a fierce year for this unapologetic little diva. His massive popularity tells me that we can relax a little. I think the kids are going to be okay.
New Year’s Eve 2014 was interesting.
This year I skipped the sober dance #BOOM in West Hollywood to go to a NYE party that was umm … not in WeHo.
Getting ready for the party was way more fun than the actual party, but in all fairness, I don’t know how to gauge, how a good NYE party is supposed to look or feel these dayz, on account of the NYE parties I have been attending for the past 8 years have all been missing the main element that makes a NYE party, a umm … NYE party, which is the boozing and whatever comes after it.
I try to make the best of what I can with what I’ve got on NYE, completely clean and sober. It sounds lame, I know, but the big payoff comes on January 1, when I wake up feeling fresh, shiny and new. No more looking completely destroyed (or as we used to say back in the dayz: tore up from the floor up). A sober New Years means no combing unfamiliar streets looking for your car the morning after. No more waking up with some strange guy hanging out at your place and not knowing if he’s the remains of a hookup, or if your ass is being robbed. I’m talking about waking up in the morning like a normal human being and not in the middle of the afternoon. I’m talking about starting the New Year the right way.
And speaking of levels of wrongness … so I went to this New Year’s Eve party to kick 2014 to the left.
And the DJ forgot the New Year’s Eve countdown.
Don’t ask me how that happened. The one job a DJ has on NYE is to keep track of the countdown. We all knew it was coming. We gathered around his station and waited for him to do what DJ’s do on NYE, but then we looked at our phones and the time flashed 12:01 a.m. The year was GONE!!! There was no counting down 2014 for yours truly or anyone who gathered around that worthless DJ. We were all like what in the ffff…??? People hugged and kissed as an after thought, but the whole thing didn’t feel right. NOW, it’s like my ass is stuck in 2014 limbo, because I didn’t get counted off into the New Year accordingly. Stewpid DJ. I hate him.
Then the music stopped. And everyone was sent home at around 12:15. No lie.
At around 12:30, my phone started blowing up with text messages from WeHO. According to reports, the #BOOM! party was a lot of fun, but people could not stop talking about the queen who shat on the walls of the men’s restroom during party. Some tweaker straight up sprayed the wall and made a run for it. It was like a sober hate crime. I couldn’t believe it. I later spoke to one of the organizers, who said that if the worst thing that happened that night was somebody missing the toilet, then it was a successful party.
Another organizer wasn’t so pleased by the mishap. “I want to know who it was” he told me heatedly. “They will regret not having a colostomy bag on them.”
And that pretty much sums up my NYE 2014.
Sorry, but no year in review here—however, 2014 did end with some newly released Madonna music and a promise of more to come in early 2015, so the end of the year was not all that bad.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, … FFFTTTTPPPBBBBTTTTTFFFFSHRATTTTATTTAT
In my line of work, I sometimes come in contact with those who contribute their sex talents to the world of adult entertainment (there’s actually been a lot of porn people in my life as of late). I recently interviewed pretty-faced former porn actor Addison Graham for THE FIGHT mag for the month of November.
One never knows what to expect when dealing with people in skin flicks. I don’t want to say that I was surprised to hear a deep, masculine, and even keeled voice on the other end of the phone when I conducted my interview, because truth is, I didn’t know the first thing about this guy–yet like the rest of us I had my ideas simply because I’m quite familiar with this guy’s private parts.
Addison Graham is hardly the first porn actor to move to the relatively quiet desert town of Palm Springs after saying au revoir to the industry, but unlike most retired adult industry veterans who throw in the bath towel after long extensive careers, Graham was done with porn after only two years of working for some of the hottest production companies in the biz, like Lucas Entertainment and Randy Blue.
So here’s the deal with this guy: He straight up struck me as a super sweet guy. I met him during Palm Springs Pride weekend and there were no airs about him being a porn star. There was an honesty about him that maybe comes with the territory of umm…letting it all hang out in front of a camera so-to-speak.
In our interview, I gave him the opportunity to bust some caps and trash talk those in the porn industry who didn’t always give him his just value, but he passed on retaliating and he was careful not to drop names or point fingers at specific people who could have treated him better.
I also kinda/sorta admire this guy’s fearlessness. He was pretty balls out…so-to-speak, about getting into porn and equally fearless about saying fuck-it, and getting out of it. He didn’t hesitate with any of his answers and he spoke openly about the realities of the porn industry, which are not at all what they seem–no surprise there, and screw what others think.
Anyway, space is limited where print media is concerned. Below is my full Q&A with Addision Graham. Be sure to follow him on twitter: @AddyAddicted
What’s a guy like you doing, living in Palm Springs?
I came here because Los Angeles is very expensive. Palm Springs has a very strong gay community that I find appealing. I left go-go dancing when I left Los Angeles and I hoped to get a job at a bar, which I ended up doing. It’s so much easier here than LA. Traffic is easier and the gym is less crowded. In LA, I got to a point where everything stressed me out.
Where are you from originally?
I’m from Colorado. I went to Valencia for college when I had just turned 17. I graduated in 2005 and moved to LA. It’s been 8 years since I lived in los Angeles, so I felt like a local.
What’s it like living in Palm Springs?
It’s definitely an older crowd. 50 is considered young. I’m 30, so I’m definitely young and I kind of enjoy that, considering the people who live in L.A. are 18-21, it’s better being the big fish. I do see some young guys around, but I don’t see them out too much. They may go out to Hunters, if they go out at all. life here is easier and a bit more accepting and more relaxed.
What are you doing to support yourself?
I work at a bar called StreetBar. It’s a great bar. All the employees and the owners and the management—we’re kind of like a family. Everyone gets along. It’s really a local bar. There’s no dance floor, or go-go dancers. It’s really a place to come have a drink and hang out. I don’t got to places like Motherlode or Gold Coast, because my idea of those places is that they’re kind of trashy. Our bar has big windows. It’s not dark or dingy. It’s nicer. Coming from LA, it’s so crazy to me, but they have a vodka special every day. Grey Goose will be $6.00. They have specials on Kettle One. No one does that in LA.
OK, let’s talk about sex. How did you land in the world gay pornography?
I always wanted to do porn. I would watch it and I thought these guys were beautiful and the fact that they were having sex in front of a camera—that turned me on. The only reason why I said no to porn at first was because I worried about how it would hurt me in the future when I was trying to do the acting thing in LA, but when I finally decided to do it all—I found it really validating.
When I started doing porn and all nudes with erections and erotic things, it was really freeing. Photographers would ask me, but I would say no because I really wanted an acting career. I really wanted to do it, because I’m an exhibitionists and I thought it was sexy, and then when I finally decided to forget it and do it all—that was a huge sense of freedom to not have boundaries—there are some things that I won’t do, just because they’re not interesting to me, but when I decided to go for it, I did start seeing myself as sexy—it’s not something I want to put out there–if you want to feel sexy, go do pornography, but it was a nice side effect. It helped me feel good about myself. I got to a point where I wanted to do what I wanted to do and to hell with the what-ifs. You only get one chance.
What’s it like seeing yourself having sex in a movie?
I think it’s sexy seeing myself in a movie with a sexy guy, but for the most part doing the videos are not sexy a lot of times. I’m trying to do the moaning sounds that they want you to make, which are totally unnatural for me and actually make me dizzy, or they’re trying to get me in terrible positions that are hard to maintain, so your legs are falling asleep more than you’re having a sexy time, but occasionally, there are some sexy stuff that happen and I’d watch a video and remember it.
What made you want to leave the biz?
There’s something about porn that I don’t like, where I feel like I’m being manipulated. I’d be on set and someone will tell me, ‘oh we need you to do this, or else we won’t pay you,’ and if the scene doesn’t work out, then you don’t get paid. I was doing a scene and it went on for a really long time and we couldn’t finish by the cutoff time. Me and my scene partner had been having sex for hours, but because we didn’t finish by 5 o’clock, we didn’t get paid. That really opened my eyes. The porn industry is always telling us that business is suffering because of piracy, but I don’t think they’re suffering as much as they say they are. It didn’t feel like there was an even playing field. It always felt like they try to make the performer feel smaller and less important.
What was the money like?
I thought if I did this, that I would be able to support myself into retirement, but as I got into it, the shoots were further and further apart and I was working less frequently, and the paychecks would get smaller, because they sort of argued that I wasn’t new anymore. The idea is that they’ll pay big for the new guy that’s never worked before and then it just goes away.
The money is not nearly what I thought it would be going in. The amount always got smaller. Like in my first scene I was paid around $4,000 for a scene. And by the time it was two years later, I was getting offered $1,000 per scene, which is good because there are guys out there who are doing it for $500. Still, it’s so not worth it.
What was the breaking point for you?
The last shoot I did was great. Nothing bad happened. I did three scenes and on my last one, it was an orgy scene with four people, and I found that really exhausting. It wasn’t sexy or fun and I thought: I don’t want to do this anymore.
I was offered to do a scene in September and I found it very hard to do. There are things about porn that are sexy and fun, but there are things that I really don’t enjoy about it. I just thought about all the things I don’t enjoy and I thought about the money and things just didn’t line up. I could say that I did porn for two years, but I only had a shoot every few months. After two years, I wasn’t into it. It was kind of cool and kind of fun and I kind of love that I did it, but I quickly saw that it wasn’t getting me anywhere. I thought maybe if I stop, it will help open me up to other things.
The company I was working with, and the scenes I was making, were never quite what I wanted to make. I think sexy can be really beautiful and I wanted to make scenes that were a little more sensual–what most people would consider vanilla, but people are more interested with raunchy scenes where there’s cum everywhere and it’s like, take it bitch, and I really had a hard time with aggressive talking. I don’t want anyone calling me a bitch, nor do I want to call someone a bitch. All that stuff is what people are paying for.
It wasn’t worth the trouble. You have to be in great shape. You have to travel, like when I had to New York, it was hell, and then being on set and there’s the douching. And what’s funny is that I got this reputation as being a big bottom. I do like to bottom, but I don’t like to bottom for huge penises for long periods of time. I didn’t like to fake the moaning and it just didn’t seem worth it.
I also didn’t realize in the beginning, that the real money in porn is in escorting, which I never did. I thought about it, but I never actually did it. A lot of the guys that I met who do porn are escorts also. It was really disappointing to me to figure that out, of course.
What’s the upside of making porn
Occasional people will recognize me and that’s fun, I like that. It’s not very often. Telling people I did porn is really easy. They find it very interesting. One thing that’s fun about it, is people’s curiosity around porn. When I decided to do porn, I wanted to be super honest about it. Dating also became so much more interesting, but the one thing I loved about doing it is when I did the AIDS/Lifecycle and I used my name to raise a little over $10,000. I could not have done that without the people I have through Twitter, which I got through porn. That was cool.
Dating became so much more interesting after I did porn. I was kind of like a shy guy, so when I go out, I don’t mingle, I don’t dance. I find a spot and stay there and I don’t really approach people much, so when I’m go-go dancing people notice, which was wonderful for me. Instead of being this…I guess attractive, but dorky guy, I was a sex object now. People assume that I’m arrogant, or loaded with confidence, but that’s because I’m shy. I was a nerd with no confidence.
What do your fans think about you leaving the industry?
I never made a formal announcement, because who knows what can happen. There are a few fans that I keep in email contact with, and they’re really supportive to whatever I decide to do next. When I did porn, I wanted to be super honest about it. I wanted to be a different kind of guy in porn, because I’m sort of on the shy side, but I don’t feel I’m what people think about when they think about a porn actor. I thought it’d be exciting, but I don’t think it worked out that way.
I still make these gay erotica movies that have plenty of nudity just no sex in them. I’m shooting a movie that’s being distributed by TLA video, just like I’ve done before, but right now I’m really focused on becoming a bartender. Being in Palm Springs, there are photographers that I can work with, so it’s not over. The photo shoots are easy. A photographer has a camera. I show up and there we go.
There are people who like my movies, but the ones who talk to me on Twitter are really friendly. It helps me to keep going. It’s very valuing to do something that people appreciate. A lot of times people will give me praise about being beautiful and all that stuff, which is really hard to take a compliment, but I’m really just another guy. I wish I could tell the people who put me on a pedestal that they’re great too. I’ve never found the right words to tell them that, but I always wanted to communicate that I always felt, ugly, unsexy, uninteresting, and on the low end of the totem pole, and the boys that I liked, didn’t like me back ,and all that crap, so just because I’m in photos that have been Photoshoped and whatnot, doesn’t mean that there’s some sort of hierarchy where I’m above and their below. I wish I had the words to lift people up, instead of keeping them down. Maybe one day I’ll find the right words that can convey that message.
What do you think the future holds for you?
I’m trying to figure that out. There is a person in town who is talking about shooting a movie of his own and having me involved. I thought about trying to act in the local theater. I thought about getting into production with video and maybe doing work behind the camera. I haven’t settled on one thing, which kind of opens me up. I’m not done doing things, but I think I’m done doing sex things.
You can follow Addison Graham’s next move on Twitter under @AddyAddicted.